On Saturday, Cesar and I went to the Gruwells for a liitle bbq with all of our friends...the castons...the circles....the fransz's...and even some new people. But talk about baby central! There was 4 babies there all under the age of 1...so you can imagine the nosie level in there. But it was all good nobody seemed to be bothered by it...Cesar and I surely weren't!! Cesar even had fun putting Kylie in the baby bjorn...good practice babe. We love spending time with our favorite babies! Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Thanks Rosh and Rachel for hosting a great bbq!
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Tuesday, March 31, 2009
snow and sundays
I'm still here. We are getting through the days, but this grieving stuff is HARD.
We had a big ice/snowstorm here this weekend. Just when I was getting used to Spring. Lovely Kansas weather! Seeing those big, beautiful snowflakes falling and kids playing in the snow made me miss Cora even more. Cora never really experienced snow. She even had a new sled that Joel's parents had given to her for Christmas. She never got to use it. It was another "first" to go through without Cora.
Sundays are hard too (I think I am still recovering). Joel is a farmer and works a lot. Sunday was our family day--the one day that we always got to be together. Joel loved spending Sundays with Cora. Going to church without her now is hard. It is hard to go to church and see all the families. It is hard to see all the little girls in their pretty dresses. It is hard to see kids coming out of the nursery. At the same time it is so good to be a church. It is good to be around people who love us and who are praying for us. It is good to sing--the worship songs have entirely new meanings to us now. It is good to be in the Word and learn from the sermons.
Each week continues to have ups and downs. I don't think that is bad. We need time to be sad and cry. We need time to laugh and feel a glimpse of "normal" again. It is just hard and tiring. You never know what your emotions are going to do next.
This emotional unsteadiness keeps reminding me that I have to cling to my ROCK. I am so thankful that no matter what an emotional mess I feel inside that I have a firm foundation in Christ. He fully understands my grief and emotions and is walking this road right beside me. Even when I don't feel secure, I know that with Jesus I can stand secure. I can keep moving forward. Even through this storm. This is what I continue to put my HOPE in.
The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
Psalm 18:2a
Posted by the mcclenahans at 4:31 PM
51 comments:
kristin said...
your grief is so real.
that in itself is an inspiration.
be patient with yourself as every day will bring a "first" of some sort another, i'm sure.
still thinking of you so often, kristin
March 31, 2009 5:32 PM
mommyof2sons said...
I think of you so often. Your faith is so amazing as you go through each day. Prayers for you!
March 31, 2009 5:34 PM
Marla Taviano said...
Loving you from Ohio!
March 31, 2009 5:35 PM
Livesays said...
Oh Jess, your words are so sweet and touching. You write with such an openness and honestly that I respect and admire. We continue to pray for you and Joel and your extended families.
March 31, 2009 5:38 PM
Vera said...
Oh, it is so hard to read your updates and know you are hurting, but they help me focus my prayers for y'all.
March 31, 2009 5:39 PM
Polka Dot Moon said...
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you, Joel and Cora.
As a stranger to you, I feel heartache every time I read your posts, so I can't imagine what the two of you go through daily.
I'm amazed at your strength and Faith!
Denise
March 31, 2009 5:45 PM
Kathryn said...
I'm keeping you in my prayers. I can't imagine how hard it is to have empty arms - but your heart isn't empty!
I lost one in an early miscarriage, so it is not the same, but i do understand watching the little ones who would be her age.
Praying for you. Wish i could do more.
March 31, 2009 5:49 PM
mandie said...
i can't even begin to to communicate to you how much your sweet cora and your faith throughout all of this has had such an enormous impact on my personal walk with Christ.
even in the midst of grief, you are a blessing to others.
March 31, 2009 5:50 PM
Trish said...
I think of you everyday! I will continue to pray for you and Joel!
March 31, 2009 5:51 PM
hoosier68 said...
I'm not sure how you do it but you have such grace and faith. Keeping you in my prayers.
March 31, 2009 5:51 PM
Anonymous said...
Your grief touches my very soul. My heart continues to ache for you. I too thought how it must be for you, most of your blogs that you follow have little ones. How hard it must be to read how life is going on, but for you and Joel to want your sweet Cora back. I admire you and Joel for your strength and FAITH.
Please know that we(blog readers etc) are here for whatever support we can give you. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for continueing to share with us. As much as it brings me to tears, it also makes my heart ache a little less after you post.
Kim
March 31, 2009 5:57 PM
PamperingBeki said...
These are exactly the things I think of and I can only imagine how much more intsense the feelings are for you.
I think of you every Sunday. (Everyday really, but especially Sunday.) Being surrounded by people must be such a mixed blessing. I'd think sometimes you just want to be left alone but of course that's not the right thing to do.
I also know that Sundays mark another week that's passed.
I think of songs differently as well. The words in worship service have taken on a new meaning.
Please don't feel like you "owe" us anything. Don't feel like you have to come and blog, have pretty pictures, have cute new items for sale, have eloquent words, reply to emails and requests, etc.
We all love you and love seeing your new posts and wish the best for you. But you focus on you and Joel and God. If blogging is helpful then do it, but if it's an obligation, don't worry about it. :)
Love you guys!!
March 31, 2009 5:58 PM
Something In The Glass said...
Your faith continues to be inspiring and a huge blessing to those who read your blog. If being a Christian is about being "Christ-like," then you have definitely set the bar.
March 31, 2009 6:00 PM
Melissa said...
I think of you guys all the time and pray for your hearts, as they're still mending.
Glad to see that you're still around.
March 31, 2009 6:04 PM
Jill said...
This post has been removed by the author.
March 31, 2009 6:07 PM
Drew, Taylor, and Caroline Clayton said...
I think of your situation and faith a lot you are very inspiring!
March 31, 2009 6:08 PM
Dawn said...
Your posts always make my heart ache. I cannot, cannot imagine what you 2 are going through. And the way you talked about the sled really put a large lump in my throat.
I think about firsts a lot and I can understand how painful that must be. I'm sure you'll always have those reminders and it most likely will always be hard. Just remember all the firsts you did have with her. First July 4th, First Halloween, First Christmas. You did have some amazing moments and although it was painfully short, I'm sure they were awesome.
I have shed tears for her as if she were my own.
March 31, 2009 6:18 PM
Micah said...
Keep being strong and being an inspiration to everyone around you. Your light is shining so bright right now for Jesus!
Still praying!!!
March 31, 2009 6:22 PM
Whimsical Creations said...
hugs from buffalo!
March 31, 2009 6:25 PM
angie c said...
You will have ups and downs for sure... and I'm so glad you are surrounded by so many people (both real and blog-world) to love on you during both the happy and sad times! I think of you guys daily, and often at church as well. I think of you worshipping the One who loves us and is real and true and HOPE everyday. There is much despair in this world...yours included. but the HOPE that you are clinging too is what will get you thru. Thinking of you-Angie C.
March 31, 2009 6:26 PM
Heather said...
My heart continues to ache for your loss. I think of you, Joel and Cora everyday and pray for you. I love my Cora's Playground pendant and it reminds me of a sweet little angel who left this earth too soon but left such a big impact on those around her. I am praying for you Jess and Joel.
Hugs and prayers,
Heather~On the Homefront
March 31, 2009 6:27 PM
Heather's Home (aka Chez Hez) said...
Jess,
I'm pretty much in agreement with what all of these lovely folks have said before me. We are strangers, but your journey with Cora has made us united in one way...
We think of and continue to pray for you and Joel and your family often. Take care. <3
~ Heather
March 31, 2009 6:29 PM
Christy said...
you are doing a great job as a mom to Cora. She is looking down on you smiling at the great time she got to spend with you. I can't imagine what you are going through but your strength is inspiring!
March 31, 2009 6:29 PM
Midwest Mommy said...
I think about you often and pray for you.
March 31, 2009 6:32 PM
dg darling said...
Just wanted you to know that I am still praying for you daily. Though we have never met, I think of you often and I think of Cora often. Frequently when my own baby girl gives me a big grin I think of your sweet Cora and send up a prayer on your behalf. May the Lord continue to help you get through your grieving process...
Misty-UT
March 31, 2009 6:39 PM
The Di Vito's said...
You are an amazing woman! You are so lucky to have had the time you did with Cora, and she was lucky to have you guys too. She will always be with you in your heart! God bless you & Joel, you are always in my prayers.
March 31, 2009 6:57 PM
Suzie said...
Oh my...you are both so strong!! What an inspiration...you are so real and I really admire that about you. Thank you for posting...even though I am a stranger, you have been on my mind daily. I just received my Cora's Playground necklace and I wear it proudly and tell your story to whoever asks!! He is doing amazing work!! Don't ever feel obligated to blog, but if it help you, then by all means do it. Praying for your heart to heal with time. Hugs from Iowa!!
March 31, 2009 6:57 PM
Melody said...
I am so glad that you realize how important it is to grieve. As hard as it is and how much I truly wish you guys didn't go through all of this, you are allowing God to heal you and move in your life.
((hugs)) You are in my prayers.
March 31, 2009 7:00 PM
mushroommeadows said...
The thing about grief is that the battle is never quite over until we get to heaven.
Something that I discovered is that in my own grief, I sometimes mistaken rest to signify the end of the battle. On the contrary, the rest is the time we have to prepare for upcoming battles. Keep clinging to Jesus and when those battles resume, you'll be safe.
Stay courageous!
March 31, 2009 7:08 PM
41wray said...
"Bless your Hearts" (a favorite Aunt 'Cille quote)
Sweet Jessica I thot of you guys, the sled etc when I read about the snow. Just know what a Godly inspiration you guys are to ALL of us. I'm always inspired and strengthened by you strong faith. Your Calif. cousins continue to send love and hugs and prayers for you all.
Sharley
March 31, 2009 7:25 PM
Auntie Mip said...
One of my favorite Bible passages seems so appropriate to share with you today. I just found Cora's site yesterday. I am a peds. oncology/Onc PICU nurse....never in 21 years have I seen neuroblastoma move so fast...3 weeks. That is just not enough time to absorp the news let alone come to terms with Cora fying to the heavens. I am so very sorry for the both of you and your families. I hope this passage brings you some peace. You are both prayed for every day!
"Against all hope, in hope I believe..." Romans 4:18
March 31, 2009 7:39 PM
Stacy said...
Continue to trust in God and know that prayers are being said for you and Joel each and every day. My heart aches for you knowing how much you miss your sweet baby Cora. I promise to continue to pray for you both.
Take good care and God Bless.
With thoughts & prayers,
Stacy
March 31, 2009 7:44 PM
Anonymous said...
I just miscarried our twins this weekend and so appreciate your post reminding me that Jesus is the rock that we can cling to when everything seems upside-down.
March 31, 2009 7:53 PM
Allen and Debby Graber said...
Jess,
This song has been going through my head for over a week:
A refuge for the poor
A shelter from the storm
This is our God
He will wipe away your tears
And return your wasted years
This is our God
Oh this is our God
Oh this is our God
This is the One we have waited for
This is the One we have waited for
This is the One we have waited for
Oh this is our God
A Father to the orphan
A healer to the broken
This is our God
He brings peace to our madness
And comfort in our sadness
This is our God
Oh this is our God
Oh this is our God
We listened to Cora's mix all the way to Arkansas and back. God really speaks through these worship songs. They speak to the soul. I wholeheartedly agree with "Pampering Beki". We're there to hold you up!
Debby
March 31, 2009 7:53 PM
Beav's Wife said...
still praying. i think of you guys all the time.
March 31, 2009 8:35 PM
Susie (So Blessed) said...
Praying for you as you continue on your grief journey...
March 31, 2009 8:41 PM
Krista said...
Jess,
you don't know me (I am a friend of a friend of yours & have been following your blog for a few months.) I just wanted you to know that I think of you and Joel and pray for you often. as a mother of 3 girls, i can't even begin to imagine the heartache you feel. you are an amazing girl and such an inspiration to SO MANY and although God is using this is mighty ways, I am deeply saddened it is so painful for both of you. It would be easy for me to tell you to keep pressing on...I have no words for you except thank you for sharing so honestly and so beautifully.
March 31, 2009 9:12 PM
lgraves said...
cheering you guys on ...
the Graves'
March 31, 2009 9:14 PM
k and c's mom said...
We haven't forgotten to pray for you and your family during this time. You stay near to our hearts.
March 31, 2009 9:20 PM
Cristy said...
Jess...
I think about each day. We are praying for you.
Hugs and love...
Cristy
March 31, 2009 9:26 PM
James' Full House said...
I think of you all daily. You continue to be in my prayers.
There is a book I read called Silent Grief, it helped. It didn't make me feel better but it helped me understand.
God is right there walking beside you. We are here praying.
It was good to hear from you.
Brandi
March 31, 2009 9:31 PM
Lipstick said...
Thank you for sharing how you really feel. I grew up with the thought that you have to hide your real emotions. That is so wrong. I can't even tell you how much I appreciate you sharing your true emotions.
March 31, 2009 9:39 PM
The Jones' said...
Sooo glad to know your still here! Sending you hugs and prayers always!!
March 31, 2009 9:46 PM
Misty Rice-Baniewicz said...
Thinking, loving you and praying for you so much. Your in my thoughts all the time. The "FIRST" you miss so much, allow me to and remind me to APPRECIATE all my first and not so happy moments that much more. Tonight, while rocking baby girl she out of no where vomited a huge puddle all over me, herself and the floor and we both just had showers. I took a deep breath, smiled at her and just hoped in the shower with her and washed us both us again, before putting her to sleep. Then a thought of Cora ALWAYS comes to my mind and I pray for you.
I know that doesn't make it any easier for you....but I just really want you to see how you and Cora have BLESSED so many like me. THANK YOU.
Sending big hugs.
God Bless.
March 31, 2009 9:54 PM
Angie said...
Thinking of you everyday and sending prayers on your behalf to the One who can comfort you.
Angie in TX
March 31, 2009 10:02 PM
katie said...
You don't know me, but I continue to be so, so impressed with the way you cling to your faith during this unimaginably difficult time.
I am a Christian woman and you are a great example for me.
And, I'm sure you know this, but remember -- God knows you're human. HE KNOWS that you are going to grieve, for a long time, and it will be extremely difficult for you. I think you have amazing, amazing faith in the midst of extremely sad circumstances.
And, even though I don't know you, from reading your blog, I can tell that Jesus will say to you someday - "Well done, good and faithful servant."
March 31, 2009 10:04 PM
Ray, Megan and Ruby Denise said...
praying for you in your sorrow. i remember you and your sweet Cora at 1:00 every day. my heart is sad for you tonight after reading your post, i wish there was some way to take away your pain.
my mom died on a Sunday (Easter Sunday of 2006)...without realizing it, I get ansy/anxious/irritable/discontent/angry/sad on Sundays...Easter is hard because it is Easter...it changes days...so there is the date of her death and the date of Easter...
'there will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, no more fears - there will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more - We'll see Jesus FACE to FACE - but until that day...I'll hold onto you always'
He is holding on to you! He will never let go! He sees each tear that falls!
March 31, 2009 10:07 PM
Stephanie said...
I feel like you're stronger than I could ever be...I'm just speechless at your strength! I pray for you every night....sending hugs your way!
March 31, 2009 10:23 PM
The little things said...
I pray for you daily and know from some sort of same type of experience that grief is real and grief is hard- ride the waves girl...
March 31, 2009 10:29 PM
Christina said...
Even though I don't know you guys, after reading your story about 10 days into your ordeal, and then reading about Cora's (almost) final rest (until that glorious day when we will all know true rest forever), for days I couldn't think of anything else. I had a hard time functioning in my own home, it was strange and so gripping. Slowly as the days went by, and my own life "took over" again, thoughts of your sad, inspiring, beautiful, heartbreaking story were not so strongly in the forefront of my mind. We had a move to focus on, packing and stuff, my parents were coming, and other things were going on. But each day I thought of and prayed for you guys. I didn't spend hours crying, though. (I hope that's not too strange coming from one who has never met you-I was just so affected by the suddenness of it all and then the faithfulness of you both.) The other day I saw a picture of your family again on someone's blog, a friend of yours, and it all hit me again, just the sadness of the whole thing. Your sweet family, so happy, and now...so much change. I thought to myself how funny it is that there are stages to sadness. I've never experienced something like what you are going through. There have been hard things, but not a loss like that. And you are so right about clinging to the Rock, there is only one. I think of you every Sunday, especially. I thought this Sunday that they might be more difficult. I thought of the Sunday that is coming up, where we will celebrate the risen Lord, the reason for our hope, the answer to our questions, the final victory over the enemy, and conqueror of death. I thought it would be hard and also a wonderful blessing to worship on this upcoming Easter. I pray that it is a blessing to you, that you will be blessed because you are loving and blessing the Lord. We sang "Blessed Be Your Name" on Sunday and I thought of you all-that is one of my favorite songs. It's so powerful. Remembering the faithful believers in Scripture who were able to call on the Lord in their trials, and still lift up his name above all other names, giving him all glory and honor, helps so much when things are hard. I pray that you can continue to do the same thing, together as you take one day at a time, or even one minute at a time. Well, I have written a novel here, sorry. Many prayers cover you-Christina
March 31, 2009 10:44 PM
Amy said...
I thought of you the other day... I had an appt. near Wesley. As I turned the corner, tears just started. It took me a few seconds to realize why I was crying. I can't even begin to imagine the number of things that bring tears to your eyes.
We love you guys so much. You continue to inspire all those around you.
March 31, 2009 10:46 PM
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